Feelings

I hate gut feelings.
I’ve been questioning my relationship with Seth for a year now. I’m not sure if I love him.
I know that he loves me. I could see his love pouring out of his eyes every time he closed them to kiss me.
I want to love him more. I can’t bring myself to.
I like Seth. He is generous and giving. He doesn’t ask much from me. I learned about music from him.
That’s it.

We live together. We have the same friends. We built a life together.
It was wonderful in the beginning. We met. We fell in love quickly. We had sex constantly. We talked about our youths. We laughed with sophistication. We gave each other the space we desired.
We fuck thrice a month. I share too much. He doesn’t give me details. I’m not an adult with him. He doesn’t leave me alone.
My friends say that we’re the perfect couple. I don’t tell them what I feel. I don’t want to tarnish their mental image of us.

I skipped a period.
Seth and I once talked about marriage once. I think he listened only to appease me. I know he doesn’t want to get married.
We’ve talked about children. We talk about children more than marriage. Those talks aren’t serious. He doesn’t want children.
I don’t want to have his children.
The test is blue.
I am pregnant with his child.
I don’t want to be.

Seth comes home. I’m on the bed. He’s surprised to find me home early from work.
He asks me what is wrong. I tell him that the test is on the sink.
I asked my boss for time off. I told her that I’m getting rid of the fetus. I’m looking for a new apartment. I have two weeks off to purge and hunt.
Seth is excited and holds me close. I start to cry.
I hate this feeling.